Truth: The Art of Communication

Extract The Art of Communication by from Thích Nhất Hạnh

#The Four Bodhisattva Guidelines for Right Speech

In Buddhism, there's a practice called the 10 bodhisattva training. Four of these 10 relate to right speech. A bodhisattva is an enlightened being who has dedicated his or her life to alleviating the suffering of all living beings. Enlightenment is always enlightenment about something. If you begin to understand the nature and the root of your suffering, that is a kind of enlightenment. And it helps you suffer less right away.

There are those of us who are very critical of ourselves, That's because we haven't understood our own suffering. When we become a bodhisattva for ourselves, we don't blame ourselves or others anymore. A bodhisattva, is someone who can speak with gentle, loving speech. And who can listen with compassion. Anyone can become a Bodhisattva, by training diligently. You don't have to practice for ten years to become a bodhisattva. Spend at least some time each day. Even if it's only five or ten minutes, sitting. Practicing mindful breathing, and listening to yourself.

Here are the four bodhisattva guidelines of the 10 bodhisattva trainings for right speech:

Tell the truth. Don't lie or turn the truth upside down.
Don't exaggerate.
Be consistent. This means no double talk. Speaking about something in one way to one person, and in an opposite way to another, for selfish or manipulative reason.
Use peaceful language. Don't use insulting or violent words. Cruel speech, verbal abuse, or condemnation.

1. Tell the Truth

The first element of right speech is to tell the truth. We don't lie. We try not to say untruthful things. If we think the truth is too shocking, we find a skillful and loving way. To tell the truth. But we have to respect the truth. There are those who verbally abuse people. And make them suffer. And then say, I'm only telling the truth. But they tell the truth in a violent and attacking way. Sometimes it can even cause the other person to feel great suffering.

When you tell the truth, sometimes the result isn't what you wanted. You need to look deep into the mind of the other person. To see how you can tell the truth in such a way that others don't feel threatened so they can listen. You try to tell the truth in a loving and protective way. It's important to remember that what you think is the truth could be your own incomplete or erroneous perception. You think it's the truth, but your perception may be partial. It may be blocked by something.

Lying is dangerous. Because one day the other person may find out the truth. That could be a catastrophe. So if we don't want to lie, and we don't want to trigger a hurt, we have to be mindful of our words. And find a skillful means to tell the truth. There are many ways to tell the truth. It's an art.

The truth is a solid base for a long lasting relationship. If you don't build your relationship on the truth, sooner or later, it will crumble. We have to find the best way to tell the truth. So that the other person can receive it easily. Sometimes, even the most skillful words can cause pain. That is okay. Pain can heal. If your words are spoken with compassion and understanding, the pain will heal more quickly.

Suffering can be beneficial. There can be goodness in suffering. But we don't want to make the other person suffer needlessly. We can minimize the shock and the pain. We try to convey the truth in such a way that other people can hear us without suffering too much. The important thing is that they feel safe. They may not get it, or it may take time for them to get it. They may continue to have a different perception than ours.

Sometimes you can begin by telling another story. The story of someone else whose situation is similar to the person you were speaking to. So that he or she can get accustomed to the idea. It's easier to listen to the story of another person. You can say, what do you think? Would it be good for the other person to hear the truth or not? Usually, say, yes. It's good to hear the truth. Sometimes the person you are speaking to will come to the conclusion independently. And learn from the case of the other person. It takes a lot of practice to tell the truth in a way that the other person can hear.

2. Don't Exaggerate

The second part of right speech is to refrain from inventing and exaggerating. You want to speak about some little thing, but you exaggerate and make it very big. For example, someone has made a mistake. But you exaggerate as though it's something many times worse. Sometimes when we're speaking to ourselves, we make something seem very tragic to justify. And even feed anger.

There may be some truth in what you want to say. But you exaggerate what the other person has done so you paint a wrong image of the other. This may seem harmless, but it takes you away from the truth. And takes away the trust in a relationship.

3. Be Consistent

The third kind of incorrect speech is what we call in Vietnamese forked tongue. Or double tongue. It means you say something to one person but when speaking about the same matter to another person, you say something different. As a way of gaining some advantage. You speak about the same situation but in conflicting ways. This causes division. And can make a person or group think badly about the other person or group when there's no basis for it. This can cause a lot of suffering on both sides. And might even cause them to become enemies.

Right speech requires being true to your word. And not changing the content for your own advantage or to portray yourself in a better light.

4. Use Peaceful Language

The fourth aspect of right speech is to refrain from speech that's violent. Condemning. Abusive, humiliating, accusing, or judgmental.

#The Four Criteria

In the time of the Buddha, people were caught by mental constructions and interpreted the teachings in ways that not intended by the teacher. The Buddha and his students came up with four criteria that should be contained in any teaching. These four criteria are helpful today. In evaluating whether we and others are using right speech and speaking the truth effectively.

The four criteria are:

We have to speak the language of the world.
We may speak differently to different people in a way that reflects how they think and their ability to receive the teaching.
We give the right teaching according to person, time, and place. Just as a doctor prescribes the right medicine.
We teach in a way that reflects the absolute truth.

The First Criterion: Speak the Language of the World

The first criterion is to understand the worldly way of seeing things. The worldly view. Sometimes we have to use the kind of language that speak and the way they view things. If you don't use the language of the world, most people won't understand what you mean. And you can communicate only with people who already think like you.

This doesn't mean you have to learn Vietnamese and Arabic. But rather that you have to speak in terms that people can understand. Based on their daily experience of life. For example, we are used to saying that the sky is a above, and the earth is below. When we sit here, we say that what's above us is up. And what's below us is down. But for those who are sitting on the other side of the planet, our down is there up. And our up is there down. What is up and down for this corner of the planet? Is not up and down for another part of planet. So up and down is a truth. But it's a relative truth. We can use it as part of our common language. Communicate with each other. Without needing to have an extended discussion of up and down, each time we talk.

The Second Criterion: Speak According to the Understanding of the Person Listening

The second criterion says that we may have to speak to each person differently. This doesn't contradict the element of right speech that says not to with a forked tongue. Doublespeak. We need to keep the truthful content the same. While being aware of the perspective and understanding of the person we're speaking to. So others have an opportunity to really hear what's being said.

With one person, you speak one way. With another person, you have to speak a different way. You have to look deeply at the person to see how he or she perceives. And speak in a way that takes that into account. So others can understand what you say. If someone's understanding is profound, you speak in a way that takes that into consideration.

Expand for examples

One day, someone asked the Buddha, when that person passes away, which heaven do you think he will go to? The Buddha answered that he might be born into this or that heavenly realm. Later, another person asked the Buddha, when that person dies, where will he go? The Buddha answered, he will not go anywhere. Someone standing nearby asked the Buddha why he had given the two people two different answers. The Buddha replied that it depends on the person who asks. He said, I have to speak according to the mind of the person who listens. And the ability of that person to receive what I share.

There's a story of someone who gave a woman a pot of milk in the morning. At the end of the day, he came to get it back. During the day, the milk had turned into butter and cheese. The man said, but I gave you milk and you gave me back butter and cheese. So is milk the same or different from the butter? It's not the same, but it's not different either.

To those with more profound understanding, you have to give a deeper answer. Reflecting that nothing is permanent. And everything is constantly changing. So the teaching you give and the way you speak depends on the degree of wisdom of the receiver and that person's ability to understand what you say. You speak according to the background, and the abilities of the person you're speaking to.

The Third Criterion: Prescribe the Right Medicine for the Disease

The third criterion is to prescribe the right medicine for the disease. If you give someone the wrong medicine, that person could die. So to each, you give a particular medicine. When you have attachment, craving, or despair, remember that you are your own teacher. You can listen to these strong emotions and communicate back the healing you need.

Don't think that if you hear or read something that inspires you, you should then repeat it word for word. Think of how to make these truths you heard resonate with your own. Similarly, you also have to know the mind and the background of the person you're speaking to. If you were to give another person exactly the teaching you heard, it might not be the appropriate teaching for that person. You have to adapt what you say to the other's background. But what you say must also reflect the true teaching. So you use worldly language. But not just any worldly language. Your language has to be appropriate to the situation. While not straying from the truth.

Expand for examples

Think about how we talk to children about death violence in the world. Do we tell them the truth in a different way than we would in adult? One time, when I was visiting a museum, I entered a room containing a mummified human body. A little girl was there looking at the dead person. After we both had stood there looking together for a while, with fear in her eyes, she asked me something like, am I going to be lying dead on a table one day? I breathed in and out. And gave her the only answer that was appropriate for that situation. No. I hope that someday a wise parent or friend will be able to talk with her about the impermanence of all things. Including our bodies, and the deep teaching of the Buddha, that nothing ever ceases to exist altogether. Nothing goes from being existent to being nonexistent. But this was not the time or place for her to be told all that. So I gave her the best answer available under the circumstances which was no.

Even with adults, we can vary what we say depending on how fragile we think they might be about a certain We want to share information. In a way that people can integrate and use later. Even if not right away. This isn't lying. It's telling the truth in a skillful way.

There was a man belonging to the Jain tradition. Who asked the Buddha whether human beings have a self. The Buddha could have answered that there is no self. But he kept silent. Then the Jane man asked, then we have no self? The Buddha still kept silent. Later, Ananda asked the Buddha, why didn't you say there is no self? The Buddha said, I know that he is caught in his view. If I were to say that there is no self, he would be lost. And he would suffer a lot. So although no self is correct according to our teaching, it was better to keep silent.

The Fourth Criterion: Reflect the Absolute Truth

The fourth criterion is the absolute truth. The most profound view of things. And it may be found in sentences such as there is no separate self. Or there is no such thing as birth and death. The absolute truth is correct. It is the closest thing to a description of the ultimate reality. But it can make people feel lost if they haven't had a spiritual teacher who could skillfully convey its depths to them. In a way they could take in.

So whenever we need to say something we know will be difficult others to hear, we have to be humble. And try to look more and more deeply to discover in what way we can talk about these things. There are some absolute truths. Such as that of no birth and no death, that are very difficult to grasp in our everyday way of thinking and every everyday lives. But then if we are shown something simple, such as a cloud, we can grasp very easily that the cloud isn't born and it doesn't die. It simply changes form. We may think of these absolute truths as abstract. But they are visible all around us in the natural world if we look deeply or have a teacher or companion with whom we can talk about what we see.